Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
