Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
