Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
