I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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