So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
