Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
