my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
