my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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