i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
a search helicopter?!
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
