I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
