Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
