Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
