I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
