just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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