Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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