ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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