I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
