DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
