We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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