fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
