How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
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She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
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Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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