Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Randomize
