No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
