OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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