That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
