I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
