My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
