I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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