3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
