my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
