She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Randomize
