when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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