how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
