i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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