last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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