I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
