I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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