Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
