I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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