Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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