My cat gives me a boner
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
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Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
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I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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