I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He? As in you personified your dick?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Randomize
