A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
