dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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