you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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