dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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