Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
