i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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