Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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