I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It's official drugs can't kill me
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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