you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
