After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Randomize
