I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
