He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
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Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
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It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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