...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
