Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
