I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
