I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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