youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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