Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
